Went down to the Crossroads...
...because Dustin Br***er was in town.
Joe Starnes and the back of Andrew Klimkowski's head were also there (Andrew either is the best time manager I’ve ever known, or the most socially shrewd fraternizer I’ve ever known, or both. Andrew goes to every event that ever goes on. Anytime I leave my house to go somewhere, there is an approximately 95% chance that I will see Andrew there. At the library, at the market, at the bar, at a house party, at a speaking event. Andrew is, by far, the most omnipresent Vermont Law School student, probably in the history of the institution. Any time something’s going on, Andrew goes.
This is what makes him socially shrewd. Because he’s actively involved in the communal experience of living in South Royalton and going to Vermont Law School. He’s like Paris Hilton, in that he’s seen a lot. And that’s half the battle with popularity. In order to be popular, people must know that you exist. Take McDonald’s for example. McDonald’s is the most popular burger chain in the world. The product’s not even that good, but there are over 31,000 locations worldwide that serve over 47 million customers daily. Anytime you leave your house to go somewhere, you have approximately a 50% chance of passing a McDonald’s location on your way. Combine that with the odds of seeing a McDonald’s billboard, seeing other people eating McDonald’s food, or seeing the remnants of a consumed McDonald’s meal, and you’re around 95%. Then factor in your exposure to McDonald’s through conventional advertising like through television, the internets, and even magazines. It’s through the roof. That’s (primarily) why McDonald’s is the most popular burger chain in the world. They’re fucking everywhere.
However, what makes Andrew Klimkowski the time managing genius that he is, is that he’s everywhere, but only for a short period of time. It would be impossible for Andrew to go to every event he goes to and stay there for the full duration of the event. Andrew’s developed the ingeniously resourceful strategy of only staying for about 30 minutes. Like at the bar Thursday night. Andrew was only there for like 20 minutes and then he went somewhere else. That’s how he works. That’s how he makes it all happen. No one can be everywhere at once, but Andrew makes it appear that way by being everywhere for a small, incremental period of time.
So when people reflect on places they went or what they’ve done in relation to Vermont Law School, Andrew Klimkowski will always be looming in their memory bank because he was in fact there with them, doing whatever it was they were doing. And they will remember that. When they think back to being at the library late Wednesday night, they will remember seeing Andrew there, and when they think back to being at Crossroads Thursday night, they will remember seeing Andrew there, and when then think back to being at the vegan hot dog eating contest, they will remember seeing Andrew there. But what they won’t remember is that Andrew was strategically there only long enough for them to remember him there. Genius!).
The girl with Dustin is named Jess. She was at Crossroads with some of her 1L friends to celebrate her 26th birthday. Happy birthday, Jess.
Monica Miller is (almost) the sluttiest girl I know at Vermont Law School. But (possibly) not in the conventional sense. I don’t know if Monica fucks a lot of dudes (but I secretly thinks she does), but I do know that she blurs the lines of social relationships in a way that seems unconventional. The same concept of a slut, in principle, is just as applicable to other types of interactions.
Let me explain. In a way, a slut is a person that fucks a lot of people. That’s not really a definition as much as it is a characteristic of a slut. A slut is really someone that has conventionally intimate relationships with people in an unconventional way, whereby the intimacy of the relationship is lost. This is why being a slut is bad for society. It’s taking something, sex, that was traditionally reserved for only the most cherished relationships, and applying it to relationships of a lesser degree so that there’s no defining characteristic of what a most cherished relationship is. So back in the old days, (theoretically) you would only have sex with one person in your entire life-your spouse. You would reserve that most special interaction for the person most special to you. Sure, you would have other relationships, some of which you might even consider intimate, in that you shared your secrets, and maybe cried in front of, but not so intimate that you would get it on with them. That was strictly reserved for one person: your one and only. That’s really, the one characteristic that defined your relationship. You got to have sex with them. How would you know that Jack loved Jill and not Betty? Because Jack oinks Jill, and does not oink Betty.
But as society has progressed, we’ve determined that this theory of intimacy is impractical, but not entirely discreditable. Because we still hold on to part of it. You now get to have multiple people to have sex with. But not all at the same time. Through various periods of your life. And that special, close, cherished, intimate relationship still exists. You have that one special someone that you have a monogamous sexual relationship (but not for your whole life). That is the primary characteristic of your relationship. He is your boyfriend, she is your girlfriend, therefore you have sex with each other. Sex is still reserved for the person that you have an intimate relationship with (sort of). It is a characteristic of intimacy.
I’m not sure Monica exploits the intimacies of what is reserved for the most intimate of relationships. Instead, Monica blurs the lines of those lower tiered relationships. Those relationships you have with people where you do everything but screw. Like your best friend. Monica offers up all the characteristics that are associated with those sort of relationships without the emotional underbelly of what those characteristics are supposed to be an expression of.
I guess what I’m saying is that Monica is a flirt. She just flirts with everyone. Which is cool and all. But strange because it’s the characteristic without the relationship. Where in the old days, you would only flirt with someone if your liked them, and considered elevating the intimacy level of your relationship. That’s not what’s happening here. I don’t even know if Monica’s entirely aware of it, but if she has a boyfriend, it’s got to drive him fucking insane.
I told Monica that her purse didn't look like a real Coach purse. Monica swore that it was, but I remained pessimistic. This drove Monica nuts and she ended up calling her mom (who purchased the bag for her) at 1am to have her tell me I was wrong. When Monica's mom answered, I told her (in jest) that I was a TSA official, that Monica was in custody, and that I was calling to corroborate Monica's story that the purse was in fact authentic Coach. I was fucking around, but Monica's mom thought I was being entirely serious and grew understandably hostile. She demanded that I put Monica on, but I said that was impossible since Monica was in lock down at the Manchester International Airport. Eventually Monica grabbed the phone from me and explained everything to her extremely confused and infuriated mother. Thank you, Mrs. Miller.
Dustin came up from D.C. to get a portion of his belongings out from underneath my house. What originally started off as a semester working for FERC in D.C. turned into a full year spent in the nation's capital to finish up law school's academic requirements. I don't blame him. South Royalton's really boring, and that Spring semester that incorporates January, February, and March? It's unbearable! I hope you're having a good time, Dustin. I wish I thought of it too.
Thank you, Brandon Wrazen.
Thank you, Jason Weibel.
Take that, VLS.
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