REVIEW: Channel 7's Steve Dolinsky's signed headshot at Ethiopian Diamond

In case you can’t read it, Channel 7’s Steve Dolinsky wrote on his headshot:

“Ethiopian Diamond, can’t wait to get my hands on your injera and doro watt…literally! Many thanks, Steve”

There are two fundamental faults with this signed headshot: (1) The quip based on the literal use of the phrase “hands on” and (2) The timing of the execution of the headshot signing.

Quips based on the actual manifestation of a literal phrase are only humorous when the literal phrase describes something that never actually happens, but under particularly unusual circumstances, the literal phrase is actually manifested and the otherwise strictly literal phrase applies to the actual circumstances. For example, it would be funny for astronaut Michael Collins to say during the Apollo 11 mission, “Boy, I’m really over the moon for this space mission…literally!” This is because “over the moon” is a literary phrase typically used to describe elation, not to describe the actual act of being over the moon, however, in the context of the first manned mission to the moon, it’s actual meaning is the same as its literary meaning.

Channel 7’s Steve Dolinsky’s use of “get my hands on…literally” is not funny because when people use the phrase “get my hands on,” they almost always are using it to describe what they actually intend to do. They’re saying it to describe actual physical control over an object. Like, “I can’t wait to get my hands on the new Apple iPad,” or “I can’t wait to get my hands on that unattended whicker basket full of kittens.” Nobody ever uses “get my hand on” to describe something that they won’t actually touch, like “I can wait to get my hands on total karmic peace and contentment.”

What I’m saying is that because Channel 7’s Steve Dolinsky is using the literary phrase “get my hands on” in common actual manifestation, the concluding “literally!” is redundant and thoroughly unfunny. It’s the same as me saying “I’m 5’9”…literally!” There’s no joke there because I actually am 5’9” and I’m expressing that with the intent to convey an actual circumstance. So there’s no point in me telling you it’s literal because the phrase itself is being used in the most common manifestation of its accepted use.

Secondly, couldn’t the manager at the Ethiopian Diamond waited until famed Chicago food critic, Channel 7’s Steve Dolinsky finished eating his injera and doro watt before making the solicitation for the signed headshot? I mean, what kind of endorsement is this? It tells me one of two things: (a) Ethiopian Diamond is detrimentally impatient; or (b) Ethiopian Diamond thinks their food kinda sucks and they’re hedging their bets.

Either the Ethiopian Diamond was so ecstatic that famed Chicago food critic, Channel 7’s Steve Dolinsky was in their humble north African dining establishment, and simply could not wait to hit him up for a signed photo and also could not possibly foresee that Steve Dolinsky would eventually order food from said establishment, consume it, and then be able to give a more comprehensive endorsement while waiting for the bill, or Ethiopian Diamond, secretly deep down believes their food to be less than satisfactory (which isn’t true, it’s really good), and their closeted lack of culinary self-confidence caused them to get the personalized Channel 7’s Steve Dolinsky endorsement upfront as a precautionary measure. Either way, neither the imprudence nor cunning attempt to mask their ineptness bodes well for the eatery. THUMBS DOWN.